I was just but a child when I fell into the whelms of love. This young kisii man had worked his juju on me when I barely understood love enough to love even myself. But the tingling I felt each time we held hands under the table, and the pure innocence i held when writing him the pure confessions of my heart could only be described as love.

The beauty and innocence of our intimacy held such purity that any acts that pointed to sexual intimacy were a taboo. This beauty became a horror when the teacher spotted us. Often times I wonder of the trauma from my first relationship affected others that followed because, in a whiff my sweet and young boyfriend transferred schools. I was so embarrassed by the whole ordeal that I dived into books with a hope to get past my forbidden love story.

As I grew older, I made myself the most unlikable being to exist. Ugly skirts, zero care of my hair and always, always laughed too loudly. So, when I met him, when he looked me in the eyes and made conversation easy and fun, when he smiled when he called up that night to set up a date and called me beautiful, I fell and boy did i fall hard. His every compliment and tender touch drove me over the top. How restrained he was and how well he kissed me..

I held on to a dream that I would finish school, would be of legal age and we would have sex.. no, scratch that, we would make love and the stars would sing for us but I was barely old enough when hell broke lose, I lost my first love and I laughed about it. Maybe I got around to crying later but i don’t have a clear recollection of that. He never stopped being there for my every whim. I never quite got past him. I watched another woman love the man I wanted, I saw them give birth to a child that was meant to be ours, he even named her after what ours was supposed to be. At a young age, I felt what a mistress felt, I felt what was meant to be, supposed to be slip between my fingers and perhaps, just perhaps myfamily moving was a silent prayer answered.

They say true love makes you forget your first love. They never said that true love was such a painful ordeal. Never thought that you could love someone so much that it hurt. Each time his name played in my head, i could feel my heart beat so hard against my ribs almost like it wanted to break free, i could feel the pain of my throat constrict and i could barely breathe. His touch drove me over the edge and his eyes carried me into the horizons. When we made love, i saw the stars, i heard the moon sing and the sun turned into giant fireworks for us.

I forgot what my first love made me feel, I forgot how painful it felt in the end. I felt what I feel now, I felt at home with him. I felt the end nearing and I saw the light, I closed my eyes and swam in the darkness. I was weak, my spirit was weak. Long sleepless nights, short hard days. So many times I packed up to leave, never really strong enough to anyway. So, I always crawled back and because I never knew how to be strong, he built me up just to crush me down. It never made him strong though just desperate. But then we made a baby together, I loved my child, our child and this time, I decided to stay and throw him out the window and close it behind him.